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:iconmythchan:

*mythchan

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:iconmythchan:
The initial line's concept is strong. An obtuse angle is a really nice metaphor. However after that, you begin to fall into cliches, used and dead metaphors that are inherent in the english language. Lonely look on the face, scars on the heart that may or may not be capable of erasure, bide our time, turn up the heat, sexuality being referred to as a bond, love as an anti-entropic force, etc. There are, however, creative word choices that offset these cliches which cause me to question the literary intentions of the author. For example, the image of calibrating moments is really strong. Realigning the heart's gravity, as well, is a strong moment in this piece. I'm happy with the placement of linebreaks in the piece-- too often authors will break their lines at the end of every fragmented thought and think they're being avant garde, but i'm fond of the flow of prose through the piece. Last line of the fourth stanza could do without the parenthesis and the brackets. Over punctuation can kill the flow of a thought, in my opinion. The same effect could be given for pause in the last line with periods and make those lines seem less like an after though, something that could or could not be included. Giving them their own sentences, though they would be fragments, would give them more power. As a writer of minimalist prose, I would suggest you not to be afraid of utilizing sentence fragments. They can work well to represent a thought process that can't be described in a full sentence. :] The final stanza and the closing line being left in italics doesn't seem to fit. Is this an aftermath? If so, I think that it should be more apparent in the actual words used, instead of using italics. Commonly when I see italics used in prose or poetry in blocks and not on specified words, I see it as separating out a second or third conscious narrator in the piece, and that doesn't seem to be the case.

Overall, I think the piece is good. Just maybe rethink out a metaphor or two and give a little more thought to the formatting. :] Keep writing!! <3<3
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